I was trying not to ever write in this journal again.  I've tried avoiding it for the whole week particularly.  I just want to make sure this message will stay up here for a long time, and I'll alwayus see it whenever/if I visit this site again.  All that stuff, and I need an outlet for these damn emotions.  Even the most unfeeling person can be battling with their emotions deep down.  Mou, no time for psycholoigcal feces.

  The New Years weekend was the greatest, greater than any thing, even if at first I thought it was pointless to even celebrate a measly new year.  My favorite relatives were here and they stayed at our house for the weekend, and I acted like I didn't care.  I don't like family gatherings, since I'm not use to such big things, so at the time I thought the sooner it was over, the better.

  So it seemed to be a big joke when my father first told me on Monday that cousin Johnathan had been in a car crash.  And do you know what really helped?  He immediately said Johnathan probably wasn't going to make it.  I thought asking him if he was actually kidding me would be insensitive, since he started... eh, I guess sniffling, like he had something in his eye.

  Now, today, my mother actually drove the car to schoool for my brother and me.  She's scared of driving, and since what's happened to Johnathan, I think I'll always be terrified.  Johnathan was extremely smart-- taking college courses in highschool and tutoring seemed a bit much to me-- but to find out he caused his tragedy in the first place all because he didn't put on his fucking seat belt seemed degrading.  So, when my mother tells us that he's now dead, she irritates both my bro and me when she starts ranting about how careless it is to be in a car without a seat belt buckled.  I know she's really angry at the girl who was driving the car with Johnathan, and wore her seatbelt so she wasnt the one thrown out of the car's windshield, so as I like to think about it... the bitch lives and she's let Johnathan die.  The girl must be feeling terrible by now.   

  I didn't cry at all, not like how I was bawling when I was told Johnathan was in the hospital.  I had been doing the crazy thing, sobbing to God why he'd let something like this happen, happen to the most religious and faithful family I've known.  All Johnathan's mother could talk about was God, Jesus, and how blessed they were, and it was his father who thanked God the whole family was able to be together for New Years, safe and sound.  It's so ironic, I'm angry, confused, sad, hurt, and feeling displaced.  I'd stopped believing in a god for a while since we've moved here.     

  I feel odd.  It's as if this bad accident isn't real, because I've been here at home doing nothing, and it pissed off my sister that I wasn't praying for Johnathan.  But I couldn't, since I stopped believing in any good god.  My father's the one who went to Arizona to visit the hospital that kept John.  I wanted to visit him, to see him on his bed, and see how his family was coping.  Every news about Johnathan's been brought from there to here by phone, and I feel terrible that I can't be there.  I'm hearing what's happened, but I can't imagine it if I can't see it. 

  It's unreal to imagine he's dead.  I already feel like we never knew each other.  But I know that can't be, because I'm ultimately sad because I knew him, saw him last weekend, played games but only said few things to him, and now he's suddenly gone.  I feel like I need to feel responsible, as if our moving here to California caused the accident.  Everything wasn't so complicated on Guam.  If I was back on Guam and heard the news about him being in an accident, I'd definitely feel left out.  I was living on an island, far away from all the relatives in North America I had hardly visit.  I wouldn't have mourned this badly if I was still on Guam.                   

  I've just heard the news about his death from my mother, who is not good at telling any news compassionately, but I'm afraid to think what's next.  If there's a funeral, am I allowed?  Getting a funeral will definitely be hard for my aunt and uncle, and I know it'll be more hard on my family, since my father tries to support his brother who's finances haven't been well.  Like I said before, everything wasn't so complicated on Guam.  Since moving here, it's been a personal hell for me, shifting manic depression and schizophenia with bulimia.  I thought how drab and boring life was, frustrating as well, that maybe death was best.  But now that Johnathan's dead, I can't look at death the same.  I feel like he should'nt have died, that there are other people who are bugs compared to the caring, smart, and funny guy he was.  I would've been a better choice than him.  He was going to be successful, graduating high school early and just different from me.  I'm doing fine in academically, but it doesn't matter when I constantly think into my manic depression that the whole world isn't perfect and I'm nothing in this life. 

  It annoys me when guys throw their lives away to do drugs or whatever.  Assholes at school, keep chattering about being pimps, thugs, gangstas, all that bull.  I'd be happy if all those guys were killed in an accident if Johnathan were alive instead of them.  Johnathan wasn't going to throw away his life.  I guess that's sounds bad when I'm imagining him flying onto the pavement from the car all because he was didn't buckle up.  I don't want to think of him as careless, but just really misfortunate, unlucky in this damned world.

  This is long.  People won't read this.  They didn't know my cousin.  I'm sure if I read about an accident like this in the newspaper, I'd try to pretend like it didn't happen.  It's too depressing to look at the obituary in the newspaper and try to feel worry for all those passed away.  But this was someone who I'd known by blood and had just spent the weekend with.  It's too unreal.  If i keep thinking about things unreal, I might start thinking my whole life is pointless.  Is life really that precious, because people are born and die, no big deal.  I'm trying not to get mixed up with what I feel and think.  Reading too much into things, trying to figure things out only messes with your head. 

  This will probably be up here for a while.  Ah, screw that, this could be the last thing I write.  I want to never forget it.  Ah, now that that's all out, I feel like I can move on.   

Currently Playing Gravitation: TV Tracks By Japanimation, Kotani Kinya, Sakanoue Yosuke see related

  Wahahahaha!!!!   Aw, I dunno whether to laugh or cry, cry or laugh, laugh while crying, cry while laughing...  yeah.  Heehee, we have our weird moments... well, I guess mine decided to finally surface.  I mean, today I was so damn hyper my classmates said they were creeped out... so I tossed myself onto a vending machine, because it doesn't feel nice to freak people out.  *shakes head*  I sang, tried punching the ceiling (I can!), and played Janken Po with a classmate... getting my ass whooped.

  It's rare moments to see that side of me.  I guess I was overly happy because... I decided I wanted my hair cut!!!  Damnit, it's an issue for me!  I use to have the long hair, now I want it chopped off!  I want a hair style like... Sasuke!  I've always wanted that, oh...  spikes in the back, dyed different colors, and the bangs, ah...  hey, ya only live one life, and I gotta get this hair cut, no matter how I regret it later~!        

  Mou, the hair style I saw on someone I respect (...highly because damnit, she's cool), Dina.  I worship her art... and hair.  (She cosplay as Kyo-kun-- funny) I finally started reading her online comic on keenspace, Pandect, and I love it!  Love love... inspires me to draw... boy love...  *gushes* 

  It's hard to sit still in class while learning about the penis in all it's glory and detail.  But that's what I do, sit perfectly still and quiet in class while it goes on.  Actually, I close my eyes and day dream about the yaoi manga I read and how much I know about the penis just from that...  *scoff*  Ok, that's perverted. 

No, it's not! 

Yes, it is! 

*smacks* 

  But now I know a lot more and useful things about the male reproductive system... so I'm going to use it when I draw manga, fufufu!

  Omg, I've been reading some fucked up articles on this site.  I know, how can news in Japan be that bad?  Well, it's more interesting than the intellectual blah blah they write in the USA.  Some dudes still have uniform fetishes, kids having sex by elementary and middle school, and evil groups exploiting hot celebrities...  I mean, some people is Japan are real perverts...  and if I moved there, I'm sure I'd add to that population.  X3   

No shame, eh?!

*double smack*    

  Love you all!.. just wait til I take that back when I'm feeling schizo, heh. 

Currently Playing Best of L'Arc-En-Ciel 1998-2000 By L'Arc-En-Ciel see related

  Mou, you dunno how depressing this holiday stuff is.  It seems like only yesterday I liked Christmas carols and whatever happy spirited things people do in this joyous time.  Maa, could be my other self, but I think I'm turning into the Grinch. 

  I'm just writing to let some people know I'm not dead and what's going on.  And if Robby could just tell me it's ok, and i don't have to waste my time, yea. 

  School's going great... 'cept for a teacher screwing up with grades so I have two F's on assignments, bringing my grade to a B, and I can't tolerate a B, because the school should be easy enough to pass with straight A's but everyone's too stupid and drunk on love, perversion, or drugs to pay attention and care about their future.  My Science asked if I could tutor this sophomore, since the test results were evidence enough-- I had 110%, and the other was one point away from an F.  She's nice and all, but me tutoring would be scary, because the only thing I might be able to tell her is to isolate herself from her distracting friends and pay attention in class.

  Dunno how confused I am.  I'm cold-herated, then I'm sympathetic.  If I reread all I typed now, I might change it all so that it sounds like I'm overly happy and I don't feel depressed at all.  Well, sometimes the happy ones aren't always happy.  Life bites ya in the ass.             

  What an unbelievable break for me!  Ya know, I don't like the Thanksgiving holiday, because I think it has no greater purpose than to eat lots, but it was shocking to me that I lived through the day only to eat a poptart, bread, and carrot sticks.  Oh, and I love water, love to water, y'all!

  Um, yea, Day two was not good.  *shakes head*  A moment in a teen's life where she goes schizo.  Reminds me a Eiri Yuki-san...except he's a grown man/ manga character.  ;P

  Day three--!  Skip that, all that was good was watching some cartoons...  Oh, but today was better, only because of the mall.  Look, I'm not a shopaholic, I just seek comfort in being in a place with lots of manga and Japanese music!  Yea, I have some of that at home... but Waldenbooks and CartoonFiled have much much more!  @_@ 

  Damnit, what the hell?!  After buying Gravitation manga 9, I'm so--so--...  ARGH!  I think Murakami-san's series has turned too spontaniously weird, where everyone's killing each other and pulling out guns and robots.  *sniff*  And the romance died with it all!  Seguchi breaking up Yuki and Shuichi, Rage being a psycho bitch, and it scared me to think Shuichi wouldn't be able to go back to Japan and Yuki because the mangaka just loves to screw around!  Yea, all too complicated for my mixed emotions...  The manga's spiraling downhill to me.   

  Anyway, I guess happy Thanksgiving to those who believe in the holiday.  *mumble*  Every religion is like a cult to me, now.  They're so demanding... *shivers*  I'm gonna go read my other book...  Fool's Errand had some shounen-ai... I want some yaoi in Fool's Fate!  *scoff*  Right.    

Currently Reading Gravitation, Vol. 9 By Maki Murakami see related

  Nya, I saved up my money and spent it on Sunday~!  T_T  It's sad to look into your wallet and give out your last, crisp twenty dollar bill, boo-hoo!  Eh, but I've got lotsa cents and quarters...

  Cartoon Field is my heaven on Earth now.  The shop has stocks of J-rock cds, so I bought L'Arc~en~Ciel's SMILE.  *points*  Me forgot to check if they had Asian Kung Fu Generation or T.M. Revolution. XP  So I bought the cd, plus yaoi mangas Desire and Selfish Love.  Desire's ok, but Selfish Love... mou, I like the mangakas other works, but this one definitely deserved the warning label on the cover.  Maa, the li'l FMA keychain plushies were cute... I wanted a Roy and Ed so I could chain them together, heheh.

  Oh Gravi tees.  Mou, show your love for the anime-- manga! 

Currently Playing Smile By L'Arc-En-Ciel see related